Tragedy Strikes Bowling’s U.S. Open as Nail Clipper Incident Results in Missed Spares

In the blink of an eye, or, more appropriately, the snip of a clipper, it was all over for Harvey Librette in the 2007 U.S. Open. The famous professional bowler looked down at the nail angle and instantly knew he’d made a life-changing error.

During his daily morning hand-grooming session yesterday, Librette clipped his right thumbnail at an angle 5 degrees too acute, leaving an extra millimeter and a half of exposed skin and dashing all his hopes for a fourth Open victory. He valiantly still gave it a go, an extraordinary effort considering the debilitating injury, but his attempts to compensate by shifting to a later release point, and even lowering his backswing a full inch, were all in vain as he simply could not develop a high enough revolution rate to effectively control his spare shooting. After three chops in the first two games and clearly struggling with the emotional pain of his injury, Librette threw in the towel, literally, as he threw his bowling towel over the seating area, the sport’s official method of showing that you quit.

It’s likely Librette will be physically able to bowl in about 2 weeks. The big mystery is what lasting effects the manicurial blunder will have on his mental state, as such incidents have previously caused completely normal pro-bowlers to lose focus and confidence in nearly all aspects of their throwing abilities.

The Not-So News: Upcoming Article Headlines

While The Wournal is busy preparing for the move, here is a preview of several articles that will appear shortly.


“Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby Daughter’s First Words Ask for Maternity Test”

“Wedding Marred as DJ Mistakenly Plays ‘Let’s Get Retarded’ Instead of ‘Let's Get it Started'”

“'Sesame Street' Educating Children about the Importance of Watching Television”

“'Sitar Hero' Videogame Hugely Popular in Southern Asia”

“Man Realizes During Stand-Up Performance He Confused Dennis Miller with Dennis Leary When Ordering Tickets”

Your Super Bowl Weather Forecast (without using any numbers)

The air will feel comfortable as Sunday's high will be just under room temperature, while after kickoff it will turn a bit more chilly, but still not unpleasant, especially in long sleeves. There's about an even chance of light rain showers during the game, but it won't be a major rain event. Humidity levels are expected to only be marginally-sticky and winds are expected out of the Northeast at the speed of a fast-running squirrel.

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day: Groundhog Day Special Addition

It looks like an early spring this year as NYC's local groundhog, Staten Island Chuck, also known by his middle name, "Sal," was apparently unable to smell the stench of the Fresh Kills Landfill this morning, staying out of his winter hole instead of quickly retreating back in as he usually does this day every year, in the annual ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo.

News Headline of the Day: Boston Bomb Sc-Err

"Fans of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Understand and Enjoy Irony of Marketing Scheme Gone Wrong as That's Exactly What the Depicted Characters Would Have Wanted"

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

Hollywood reporters are abuzz after Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab for alcohol abuse a few days ago. One was overheard excitedly saying, “Thank God. It’s really been too long since someone pulled a good ‘Drew Barrymore.’”

Houston, We Have an Auction

A large amount of Whitney Houston's concert costumes and touring gear was sold at auction in New Jersey today, as the singer had been deficient in paying the storage fee where the items were being kept. There is no more to this article, the headline was just too good to pass up.