Wournal

Tragedy Strikes Bowling’s U.S. Open as Nail Clipper Incident Results in Missed Spares

2007-03-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

In the blink of an eye, or, more appropriately, the snip of a clipper, it was all over for Harvey Librette in the 2007 U.S. Open. The famous professional bowler looked down at the nail angle and instantly knew he’d made a life-changing error.

During his daily morning hand-grooming session yesterday, Librette clipped his right thumbnail at an angle 5 degrees too acute, leaving an extra millimeter and a half of exposed skin and dashing all his hopes for a fourth Open victory. He valiantly still gave it a go, an extraordinary effort considering the debilitating injury, but his attempts to compensate by shifting to a later release point, and even lowering his backswing a full inch, were all in vain as he simply could not develop a high enough revolution rate to effectively control his spare shooting. After three chops in the first two games and clearly struggling with the emotional pain of his injury, Librette threw in the towel, literally, as he threw his bowling towel over the seating area, the sport’s official method of showing that you quit.

It’s likely Librette will be physically able to bowl in about 2 weeks. The big mystery is what lasting effects the manicurial blunder will have on his mental state, as such incidents have previously caused completely normal pro-bowlers to lose focus and confidence in nearly all aspects of their throwing abilities.

The Not-So News: Upcoming Article Headlines

2007-02-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

While The Wournal is busy preparing for the move, here is a preview of several articles that will appear shortly.

“Anna Nicole Smith’s Baby Daughter’s First Words Ask for Maternity Test”

“Wedding Marred as DJ Mistakenly Plays ‘Let’s Get Retarded’ Instead of ‘Let's Get it Started'”

“'Sesame Street' Educating Children about the Importance of Watching Television”

“'Sitar Hero' Videogame Hugely Popular in Southern Asia”

“Man Realizes During Stand-Up Performance He Confused Dennis Miller with Dennis Leary When Ordering Tickets”

Your Super Bowl Weather Forecast (without using any numbers)

2007-02-04T00:37:00.000-08:00

The air will feel comfortable as Sunday's high will be just under room temperature, while after kickoff it will turn a bit more chilly, but still not unpleasant, especially in long sleeves. There's about an even chance of light rain showers during the game, but it won't be a major rain event. Humidity levels are expected to only be marginally-sticky and winds are expected out of the Northeast at the speed of a fast-running squirrel.

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day: Groundhog Day Special Addition

2007-02-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

It looks like an early spring this year as NYC's local groundhog, Staten Island Chuck, also known by his middle name, "Sal," was apparently unable to smell the stench of the Fresh Kills Landfill this morning, staying out of his winter hole instead of quickly retreating back in as he usually does this day every year, in the annual ceremony at the Staten Island Zoo.

News Headline of the Day: Boston Bomb Sc-Err

2007-02-01T09:58:00.000-08:00

"Fans of Aqua Teen Hunger Force Understand and Enjoy Irony of Marketing Scheme Gone Wrong as That's Exactly What the Depicted Characters Would Have Wanted"

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

2007-01-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

Hollywood reporters are abuzz after Lindsay Lohan checked herself into rehab for alcohol abuse a few days ago. One was overheard excitedly saying, “Thank God. It’s really been too long since someone pulled a good ‘Drew Barrymore.’”

Houston, We Have an Auction

2007-01-09T19:01:00.000-08:00

A large amount of Whitney Houston's concert costumes and touring gear was sold at auction in New Jersey today, as the singer had been deficient in paying the storage fee where the items were being kept. There is no more to this article, the headline was just too good to pass up.

We can't make this stuff up (ok we can, but this time we didn't)

2007-01-08T08:22:00.000-08:00

Cliff Jumping? Back-Country Snowboarding? Mere child's play compared to the latest craze to hit the the adventure-sport circuit, Extreme Ironing. As the website says, EI (what the "pros" call it) combines the thrill of "an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt." Check out the very entertaining website at www.extremeironing.com.

The Wournal's Best and Worst of 2006 (part I)

2006-12-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

E Coli Outbreaks:
Best: Taco Bell. You know it's serious when Taco Bell makes people extra sick.
Worst: Spinach. The death of Popeye is still affecting an entire nation.

Sports Achievements:
Best: Zidane’s head-butt-to-the-chest in the World Cup Final. Outstanding.
Worst: (tie) All professional sports.

New Candy:
Best: Cherry-Flavored Life Savers Gummy Fruit ‘Splosions. Truly transcendent, may lead a new candy revolution if the word gets out.
Worst: Multi-Flavored Fruit Life Savers Gummy Fruit ‘Splosions. Unfortunately, every other flavor is as bad as the cherry flavor is good.

Development in Crosswalks:
Best: The “Don’t Walk” countdown timers. Now instead of angrily staring at the light until it changes, waiting drivers can count down together, like a shuttle launch, except totally inconsequential. Actually, it’s exactly like a shuttle launch.
Worst: The decision by the commissioner of the National Crosswalk Association (NCA) to change the time-tested crosswalk material from the old reliable leather to a more durable, but tougher to handle plastic composition. Officials considered it an improvement even though actual crossers were nearly unanimous in their disapproval.

Joke/Counterjoke: Daily Monologue-Style Joke(s) of the Day

2006-12-12T08:09:00.000-08:00

The Christmas trees are going back up at the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport after a local rabbi agreed not to file a lawsuit for the placement of a menorah. Instead, he now plans to use a much more effective and culturally traditional method, constant whiney nagging.

A Seattle-area rabbi agreed to drop his legal request for the presence of a menorah at the Sea-Tac International Airport and officials have put the offending trees back in place, though they're now calling them "holiday trees." Upon hearing the expression "holiday trees," the rabbi immediately filed suit for the placement of a "winter season 9-pronged candlestick holder."
(ed. note, not part of this joke: Really? "Holiday trees?" Really?)

Quote of the Day

2006-12-07T08:45:00.000-08:00

After a freak tornado struck a residential area of London yesterday, a news article contained this gem of a quote from eyewitness and keen weather observer Tim Klotz:

“It was like some sort of cyclone.”

The Not-So News (3 selection excerpts)

2006-11-30T12:10:00.000-08:00

“FCC Develops New Lotion to Block Out TV's Harmful Ultra-violent Rays”

While TV viewers are used to the bleeps and other sound effects that cover-up offensive language on television, they will have to get used to a much more personal method of protection from the ever-increasing TV violence. The FCC has developed a specially-formulated lotion that will soon be required to be worn if one wishes to watch a little tube. The lotion, or “Fun-Block,” as it’s been named, will be available in different strengths depending on a person’s age and life-experiences...

“Lure Lore: Curse of the BassMasters Videogame Cover Strikes Again”

As professional bass fisherman Greg Cleavagie lay clinging to life in his boat last week after an improbable aquatic attack, all he could think about was “that damn video game.” He spoke from his hospital room yesterday for the first time since the incident and did not hide his belief that the infamous curse, which has now affected the past 6 anglers to appear on the game cover, was the underlying cause for his massive internal and external injuries...

“Bob Ross Museum to Feature Happy Little Trees Retrospective”

Following on the heels of last years’ spectacular “Happy Little Clouds” exhibit, next week the ever-popular Bob Ross Museum will open “Happy Little Trees: The Influence of his Afro.” With over 14,000 oil canvasses on display for the exhibition, this will mark the fourth largest assemblage of Ross’ tree-themed “happy” work to focus on the influence of his straggly, elegant coif in his style. Over 600 prime examples of happy accidents will also be showcased...

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day: What Kramer Did

2006-11-20T09:57:00.000-08:00

Actor Michael Richards recently unleashed a racist tirade on a stunned crowd after being heckeled during a stand-up performance. When asked for comment, his friend and former co-star Jerry Seinfeld, in his trademark high-pitched nasaly voice, said, "What's the deal with racist Kramer? One minute he's a goofy and loveable tv character, the next he's a ranting bigot. I mean pick an image, and go with it!"

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

2006-11-13T09:16:00.000-08:00

The NY Mets have announced that their new stadium, to open in 2009, will drop the Shea Stadium moniker and instead be named Citi Field. Team president Omar Minaya said, “With this new ballpark, now when people think of the Mets they’ll think of both sports corporatization and incorrect spelling.”

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

2006-11-05T09:45:00.000-08:00

The new microfiber composite basketball being used in the NBA continues to receive terrible reviews from players, yet Commissioner David Stern maintains it’s a superior ball. He must be right, because who would know basketball performance better than a short, nerdy guy in his mid-60s.

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

2006-10-31T08:32:00.000-08:00

Bronx Zoo researchers recently discovered that elephants have the ability to recognize themselves in a mirror after experiments with Happy, the zoo's Asian pachyderm. Happy's first reaction was "wow, this is going to make shaving so much easier."

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

2006-10-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

A Marine participating in the Marine Corps marathon had a heart attack 80 yards from the starting line in Washington yesterday, setting the record for best way to show you shouldn't be in the Marines.

A Random, Why Not List, Involving That Guy Who Fell At the Marathon

2006-10-25T21:06:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of runner Robert Cheruiyot’s truly epic tumble as he crossed the finish line at the Chicago marathon on Sunday, here is a list of other, lesser known sports blunders that occurred simultaneously with greatness.

10) Surfer Fred Hemmings’s left earlobe was sliced off when, after winning the 1968 World Championships, he attempted a handstand on his board, it flipped over and the fin whipped across his ear.

9) Andres Gomes, one of the great clay-court tennis players, was grazed by a falling chunk of blue-ice waste from an airplane passing overhead, just seconds after striking a perfect forehand winner to capture the 1990 French Open. He was only slightly injured, but never won a tournament again.

8) Entering the third period of the 1992 Stanley Cup finals, Dirk Graham of the Chicago Blackhawks came back on the ice and started skating at full speed with his head down, promptly slamming right into the back of the zamboni which was still on the ice.

7) Well after the 2002 Tokyo marathon, Malaysian runner Mintos Kagahara still hasn’t stopped running because an extremely rare brain disorder, which never allows his legs to stop moving, suddenly appeared in him during the race.

6) Former 5’11’’ NBA player Shawn Hawkins dunked for his first and only time towards the end of a game in the 1976-77 season, but as he hung on the rim his fear of heights kicked in, and he wouldn’t let go of the rim for several hours, causing the game to be postponed.

5) Bowler Walter Ray Williams caught his wrist-support glove in his back pocket and ripped his pants off as he threw the twelfth and final strike of his second televised 300 game.

4) The infamous “Nordic Razor Incident” at the 1972 World Kite Flying Championships in Finland. Nothing more need be said.

3) In a sad end to a great career, the Bocce-Ball legend known as Crusher, a massive and highly eccentric bocceer from an unknown part of Eastern Europe, was celebrating his victory at the 2002 Greek Games and accidentally tripped over one of the bocce balls, breaking his left arm and ending his comeback bid at the age of 49.

2) “The field is on the band!!!” It’s tough to forget the announcer saying those words and that famous scene, when at the 1995 Marching Band Championships, as the underdog Cal squad was the midst of a stunning comeback performance, a local pickup-football club known as “the field” thought the event was over and came storming into the competition area, knocking over players and nearly ruining the show. But among all the chaos and craziness Cal somehow finished the piece and pulled out the win.

1) Babe Ruth vomited all over himself while rounding first base on his 714th and final home run.

Pete Rose: “I’m sorry. That’ll be $500.”

2006-10-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

So baseball’s all time-hit king is charging $500 for a signed Sports Illustrated Cover plaque that he’s inscribed, “I’m sorry I bet on baseball. –Pete Rose.” That’s right, he’s charging for his apology. If you have several hundred dollars, then Rose feels bad about what he did and wants to make it up to you by letting you pay mucho dinero for an unpersonalized, empty, and completely consumer-driver 6 word apology. Nice gesture, Pete.

What Rose has done, however, is create a whole new area of collectables that is unfortunately appropriate in this era of error, where celebrated sports figures and celebrities constantly make grand mistakes causing their fans, and sometimes the whole public in general as in the case of Rose, to lose faith and respect for them. Yet what better way to make amends than in that grey area that connects the famous with just the us-signed memorabilia. There will always be demand for collectables of the famously shamed, and it turns out that these disgraced personalities are often in need of financial security after their downfall, so it’s basically a perfect marriage.

There are tons of people who would love to have a photo of MC Hammer frowning in front of his repossessed mansion signed “I’m sorry I blew all my money –Hammer.” Imagine the demand for an autographed “I’m sorry I broke up the Beatles –Yoko Ono” photo of her standing arms crossed in front of the band. Why not get Charles Manson to sign some “I’m sorry I killed all those people” on pictures of his victims? You know there’s a market for it.

Sure, the idea is a little twisted, but considering the current celebrity consumer craze there’s something curiously appropriate about fallen stars selling their sorries. Whether it’s right or not, people crave unique collectibles of the well known, and it's always been rare for a famous screwup to directly come out and apologize. What Rose has done is realize the monetary potential of such "apology products." Charlie Hustle just keeps on hustling.

Ode to Bowling (A Cometry Special Presentation)

2006-09-12T22:40:00.000-07:00

The gleam of the oil,
the crash of the pins,
that stale smell in the air,
clutch tenth-frame wins.

Converting a split,
hitting square in the pocket,
some throw with spin,
while others throw a rocket.

A 6-10 chop,
picking up double wood,
The never-changing shoe style,
Wear socks, you really should.

An early-game turkey,
pink balls on the racks,
the unfortunate double-gutter,
staring at people’s backs.

An elite sport,
bowling sure is not,
but creating funny nicknames,
is what it’s got.

Best Of...Articles

2006-09-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

While the Wournal is busy creating and developing new material, here is a classic article from days past.

“Alaskan Oil Drilling to Lower Wildlife Unemployment Rate”
By Cody Haulington

Animals all across Alaska are rejoicing as it appears that there may finally be a solution to help the dire jobless situation they’ve faced for years. Now that the Senate has approved a program to explore for oil in the Alaskan wilderness, new jobs will be created so that animals can finally find gainful employment and earn a respectable living rather than loafing about all day and scavenging for food. Upon hearing of this news, penguins vigorously waddled about and flapped their flipper-like things while nearby polar bears stood up and roared. There has not been any formal statements by the seals or walruses yet, as it’s their mating season and they can not be bothered during the period.

Senate Minority Whip and Chain Lew Cless stated, “For years we’ve been looking for a good reason to get up to Alaska and place the entire landscape in jeopardy to look for some generally unnecessary oil that may or may not be there. When someone realized that we could put the local animals to work and help end their long period of unemployment and uselessness, we knew we had our justification.” Herds and flocks of animals all across the gigantic wilderness state have begun migrating to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in hopes of landing a quality position on the project. A roaming musk oxen commented, “Sure, this decision puts our home and landscape at great risk and threatens our continued existence, but we feel the risk is worth it if we can have the opportunity to work hard and earn some decent wages. We have no economy and cannot even understand what that concept means, but if we get some money in our pocket and learn about what it’s like to perform hard labor, it must be good.”

Animal rights activists are also happy with the decision. Known animal and pocket-bread advocate group PITA commented in a press release that they’re thrilled that lawmakers have finally recognized the need to help our creature cousins in Alaska by giving them increased employment opportunities and that they’re sure the animals are glad to help reduce America’s dependence on foreign oil. They also put the decision into perspective, mentioning that, while their homes and habitats are heavily threatened by the proposed drilling, ultimately the animals will earn enough money to move to new homes and establish different habitats, so it all basically works out in the end.

A Timely Look into a Tiny Hook, A Giant Harpoon, and Some Guy Named Fran (A Cometry Special Presentation)

2006-07-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

No
no no no,
no no no, no no no.
No
no no
no,
no no no,
no
yes...

No
no no no
no no no, no maybe.
No no
no no,
no no no, yes
no...

No no
no no no
no, no no, no no.
Yes, no no no
No no no no, no no.
Maybe?
Yes?
No.

Cometry Part III

2006-07-11T20:06:00.000-07:00

An old lady smoking,
Small children playing sports.
Pulled-over highway speeders,
The person who laughs with loud snorts.

Running for your life from an angry British trucker,
The passed-out girl in the corner.
That look in the eyes of religious freaks,
Trying to cheer up a mourner.

Folks that say they hate TV,
Chunks of metal flying off roller-coasters.
The overly self-conscious girl at the gym,
And whatever happened to Kenny Rogers’ Roasters?

2006 World Cup Soccer Thoughts

2006-06-22T20:30:00.000-07:00

Is a person from Ghana called a Ghanarian?

Yellow Cards. Red Cards. Where’s the Green cards? (insert foreigner joke here)

Soccer is a lot like ice hockey, except it’s on a humungous field and the guys just run around a lot and sometimes kick a ball.

It’s nice that this is an occasion that’s not so distressing to see so many German people gathering in stadiums and chanting wildly.

The US team had 1 shot on goal in its first two games. Nice.

Names of people from other countries are endlessly amusing. Here’s a few: Vratislov Lokvenc, Razak Pimpong, Asamoah Gyan, Pernambucano Juninho, Kaka, Miroslaw Szymkowiak. Those are seriously all real. And there’s plenty more.

They should have subtitles for all the chants that are going on in the stands during the game-it’d be nice to know what they’re saying.

In the Distant Land of Suburbton

2006-06-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

In the distant land of Suburbton,
There were once more happy times.
When children played on jungle gyms
And ice cream cost just several dimes.

But things, well, now they’re different,
The place, it sure has changed.
The problem crept up so slowly,
People noticed nothing strange.

At first, the accidents were small,
A smash-up here and there,
Soon the bodies were piling up,
There was carnage in the air.

The reason became obvious,
Yet nothing could be done.
Elderly drivers learned to use their cell phones.
The menace had just begun.

Now people refuse to leave their homes.
There’s danger down every street.
The weak and aged drive and chat mindlessly.
Getting anywhere safely is quite a feat.

Will the world learn the lesson of Suburbton,
Or will their numbers continue to grow?
If the yapping fossils aren’t stopped soon,
It will be mankind’s biggest woe.

Memorial Day Tribute: Mackey Sasser

2006-05-28T15:46:00.000-07:00

As you’re enjoying your Memorial Day holiday this year, take a moment to remember one of the shining examples of the New York Mets’ ability to somehow completely derail a young player’s career, Mackey Sasser.

Gary Carter’s playful young backup for several years in the late-80s, Mackey Sasser displayed flashes of strong play on both the offensive and defensive sides of the plate. Yet when being thrust into the spotlight in 1990, something started happening that at first seemed harmless. Soon it became obvious that there was a major problem. Sasser couldn’t throw the ball back to the pitcher after a pitch. As soon as he caught the ball he turned into a level 10 obsessive-compulsive. He would start slamming the ball back into his mitt over and over until someone would yell at him. And then he could only lob the ball weakly back to the pitcher, often allowing base-runners to move up due to the high arch of his toss.

Sasser could find no remedy for his dysfunction, which actually originated after a shoulder injury in the minor leagues, but had disappeared for a few years during his earliest seasons before again presenting itself. Before the issue consumed his game entirely, including his hitting, Sasser was even forced to roll the ball back to the pitcher, or physically walk it up to the mound to hand-off. He faded out of baseball over the next few years. Mackey Sasser: The major-league catcher who forgot how to throw.

A Random, Why Not List, Involving Driving

2006-05-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

Somewhat Realistic and Probably Feasible Ways to Make Driving More Entertaining

10) no more yellow lights
9) senior citizens must maintain strict speed minimums of 40 mph
8) if you drive in the HOV lane, at least one passenger must be drunk
7) to counterbalance tickets and their penalties, a “commendation squad” will officially recognize and give cash rewards for good driving.
6) make some intersections, intersexions
5) every Thursday there’s a hairy chest contest for all men while driving. Hairiest chest wins
4) every car being driven before noon must have a scalding hot cup of coffee with a flimsily secured lid being held in a somewhat-suspect cupholder which is inconveniently located directly above the radio
3) the law will recognize some people’s particular skill at driving drunk, as there will be an optional driving test to determine how intoxicated the specific person actually has to be before they can no longer maintain decent driving abilities, and that BAC will be that person's legal limit rather than .08.
2) ugly people must at least partially tint their windows
67) New radios play AM, FM, and XXXM.

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

2006-05-22T12:30:00.000-07:00

It was recently reported (by the Canadian press, mind you) that Iran might legally require it’s Jews and Christians to wear identifying symbols or clothing. If there’s anywhere in the world Jews and Christians actually don’t need to wear special symbols or clothing to stand out, it’s Iran.

The Wournal's Solutions: Number 1

2006-05-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

problem: illegal immigrants streaming over the border from Mexico
problem: alligators attacking and killing people in Florida

Solution: killer alligator border guards. Problems solved.

Fantastic Irony Alert!

2006-05-09T19:19:00.000-07:00

How times (and dietary concerns) change. In Scotch Plains, NJ, starting next year, elementary school students will no longer be allowed to bring in cupcakes for their whole class to celebrate their birthdays, but they will be allowed to bring them to school for themselves in their own lunch. So apparently now the saying will go "hope you didn't bring enough for everyone."

Ah-Musings Series 7: Hope against Hope, it's a Draw

2006-05-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

One of the biggest little thrills I get is when I’m driving on a highway and there’s one of those “Lane Shift Ahead” signs, and I perfectly negotiate the quick and harrowing lane changes. The feat is more than difficult, with all the various solid, dotted, and dashed lines of varying thickness and visibility, all in such a narrow section of road and so little time to think about any decisions. Attempts almost become an art-form once one has had multiple experiences with the surprise and horror that is “Lane Shift Ahead.” If you can consistently, confidently, and successfully handle these lane shifts on the torn-up secondary highways of the Northeast, well you’re okay in my book (looks more like it’s going to be a short story, but that’s still quite good).

The other night I was with two women and gave one the shaft (it's a riddle).

I’m not afraid of anything because I have a fear of fears, which technically doesn’t count in this context.

The word "capitalize" is not capitalized.

Non-alcoholic beer is made for alcoholics.

I bet if a blimp could have feelings, it would be very self-conscious.

Not only can a door be ajar, but I can adore that door being ajar.

A Random, Why Not List, Involving Music

2006-05-02T19:56:00.001-07:00

Songs Ruined Through Overplay on Classic Rock Radio

Foxy Lady
White Wedding (not very good to begin with though, too)
Dazed and Confused
Every CCR song except Born on the Bayou and Privileged Man
Love in an Elevator
Born to be Wild
Bohemian Rhapsody
Sunshine of Your Love
You Really Got Me (the annoying Kinks song the DJs play to no end)
Break on Through (toughest call for inclusion on this list)
American Girl (Ok Petty, we get it)
You Shook Me All Night Long (is that even really possible?)
Midnight Rider (Allman Brothers)

And Songs that Would Increase in Popularity if Classic Rock Stations Played Them More

When the Music’s Over (Doors)
The Music Never Stopped (Grateful Dead)
Sledgehammer
Hey You (Pink Floyd)
One of These Days (Pink Floyd)
The Final Countdown (Europe-you know why)
Paranoid Android (Radiohead-the closest thing they have to a classic rock song at this point, so it should be used to get the end in the door for future classic rock domination)
Fingertips or Particle Man (They Might Be Giants-who doesn’t like TMBG, and playing classics like the two mentioned, Fingertips for the more eclectic times, on classic rock radio would be perfect.

An Open Letter: HBO

2006-04-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

Dearest Home Box Office:

Sopranos is great. Big Love is bad. Horribly, horribly bad. It stinks like a sumo wrestler's untreated indoor hot tub in the summer, and we all know what that horrid stench is like. It's really a shame too. Who would have thought a borderline absurdist burbcom that revolves around a boring polygamist family couldn't follow Sopranos? Everybody. As with nearly all HBO series there are redeeming qualities, here quite minor. The cast and acting is great, and it would be fun to watch all these people interact with each other if only the plot, writing, lighting, and overall theme were different. I don't know, maybe the man and three women open a wacky tennis club and hijinx ensue. Basically anything but what the story is now would be an improvement. I understand that some critics like the show and that's fine--technically it's not entirely bad, but the fact is that it's just unwatchable for so many reasons (not the least of which the bold choice for the opening theme song and the fact that it immediately follows The Sopranos, the most mesmerizing show on TV, which incidentally would be Lost if they didn't have 7 commercials each episode and weeks off between new shows.) So, HBO, I ask you to come up with something better to follow Sopranos. The Wire would work perfectly, or bringing OZ back I'm sure would thrill a ton of people. Anything, just realize Big Love for the unnecessary fluff that it is and take appropriate measures.

Thank you.

The Wournal

"Snakes on a Plane:" Leaked Alternate Storylines and Titles

2006-04-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

The Wournal's investigative team has uncovered some early ideas and alternate titles for what ultimately became the upcoming and highly anticipated summer movie "Snakes on a Plane." Here they are:

Steaks on a Plate
Seiks on a Lane
Sneakers in the Rain
Ferrets on a Flight
Snails on a Plant

It's probably best that they went with the choice they did, although Snails on a Plant sounds like it's really got some cinematic potential.

DaVinny Code: Prologue (Part II)

2006-04-23T20:23:00.002-07:00

“I must-a-say,” said Lamiera, in his well-worn though still gruffly macho in an old greasy Italian guy sort of way voice, “that I haven’t-a-heard a retroback flip stutter in over thirty years. Speech therapists declared your condition extinct over two decades ago. I don’t-a-understand how this is-a-possible.”

“Oh, you know it’s possible, and you know much, much-ch-ch-ch more than that. My people have gone to great lengths to find-d-d out what you know. But there’s still once big piece missing—that’s why I’m here-re-re,” the dwarf hissed in his most menacing voice, which was still considerably high-pitched and comical.

“Really, you mistake me for-a-someone else,” said the old Italian, his voice now trembling slightly as he has just realized the reason for this sudden, very weird attack. He knew he had genuine reason to fear for not only his life, but the lives of his entire extended family, including little Cousin Greta and his ancient Aunt Tildy.

“Funny-ey-ey-ey,” squawked the dwarf. “That’s exactly what the other 7 grand sauciers said right before I gave-ve-ve them one final warning-ing-ing-ing.” But if he’s gotten to me, that means the other seven must be dead, and I’m the only one left who knows the real secret, the one that could change the pasta industry and Italian Cuisine forever. Shoot, I hope I’m not thinking this aloud. Can the dwarf hear me? No, ok I was just thinking. Good. But I don't sound like an old Italian guy when I’m thinking. That’s really weird. Get to that later. Now I must protect the sacred information I and I alone possess.

Next Lamiera told the lie that he had practiced hundreds of times before, often while standing naked in the middle of six mirrors, hopping nobody would walk in and see him. When Lamiera finished telling his story, the afroed-dwarf smiled coolly. In the next moment, Lamiera noticed Puromore drop his gun slightly, and he tried to make a run for it, scampering for any shadowy corner he could find.

The first shot hit the edge of his thick, bushy mustache. “No!!!” Lamiera yelled out as his machismo had suffered irreparable damage. I’m loosing whiskers fast—I don’t have much time--a bad mustache wound gives you about 20, maybe 30 minutes at best before it’s all over. The dwarf lifted his gun again, aiming the barrel between the bars that separated him from the wounded curator. He stood motionless for a few moments before slowly lowering the gun again. “Pain is good-d-d-d. The agony as you die will be more fitting considering the importance of that you possessed which did not belong to you. Yes, suffering is good.”

The dwarf turned and walked out of the museum as a few more whiskers fell from Lamiera’s mustache. My time is short. I know what must be done. Lumeria pulled his special black marker out of the hidden pocket in his specially-made pants with all the effort he could muster, and set to work.

DaVinny Code: Prologue (Part I)

2006-04-21T19:15:00.000-07:00

Celebrated pasta chef and Spaghetti Museum curator Sal Lamiera lunged through the glass doors of the entrance to the Grand Meatball Hall. The Italian dwarf-monk Purmore was chasing right behind him, his huge curly afro bouncing wildly with every step. Just beyond Purmore’s reach, Lamiera grabbed an ancient Sicilian straining bowl off it’s porcelain stand, triggering the museum’s security system and dropping thick iron bars somehow directly between the chaser and his much taller prey. He breathed only a short sigh of relief before Lamiera looked up to see the dwarf pointing the barrel of a giant handgun directly at his right nostril. “Don’t mov…vvv…vvv…vvv…move!” said the dwarf, his rare speech impediment presenting itself at a rather unfortunate time.

Fantastic Irony Alert!

2006-04-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

Today Major League Baseball celebrated Jackie Robinson Day. When they first started this tradition several years ago, MLB universally retired his uniform number, 42. Somehow, Yankees pitcher Mariano Rivera was allowed to keep his jersey due to a "grandfather clause." The details of how and why this occurred are murky, but it's safe to say this decision is incredibly questionable and hard to justify due to it's appearance of showing disrespect.

So what happens today? The Yankess forge a 5 run comeback over the course of the last several innings, Rivera comes in the game to save it, and the greatest reliever in the history of the baseball blows it and the Yankees lose. At least he could've worn a different number on Jackie Robinson Day. Excellent work, universe.

A Dream Narrative (2nd in a series of 16)

2006-04-14T09:25:00.000-07:00

A Dream Narrative (of Questionable Draconian Legislation)

I had a dream last night where I was reading a newspaper and saw an article that my home state had passed a law that banned smoking in all indoor businesses. Interesting. I read the article and realized immediately upon finishing it that I recalled absolutely nothing of what I had just read. So I went back and read the article again. Same result. Nothing. I could read and understand the headline, but nothing in the actual article seemed to make any sense whatsoever. I glanced down at it again and now the article was just a bunch of random letters placed together to appear as words, but the whole thing was completely nonsensical. Astounded (as much as one can be in a dream), I threw the paper down in disgust and went outside and ran a marathon through the streets of Madrid. When I got home I immediately consulted my library of infinity for some of the facts concerning second-hand smoke. First, it’s apparently also called environmental smoke (b/c, you know, it comes from the environment), atmospheric tobaccan haze, nicotine geonebulae, and so on. The fun names were just the beginning. Science, that crafty veteran of all trustworthy knowledge in the world, was nowhere to be found. “Science?” I called, looking around for some sort of trace of it, but there was simply no science there. There was only, hiding in a shadowy corner amongst the shelves of my vast collection of dream books, a pitiful bundle of pseudo-science, one completely debunked study, and one epidemiological study, which everybody knows are always a complete load of crap. “Hey, pitiful bundle.” “mmm?” it whimpered. “Where’s science? Shouldn’t science be here? It’s proven smoking itself is quite harmful, which everybody pretty much knew already, but at least science confirmed it. It seems quite apparent that second hand smoke would be bad for you too. It’s annoying, it can cause slight physical irritation, most people dislike the odor, and it certainly seems to cause normally docile people to become raving lunatics if exposed to it. Second-hand smoke should have easily been proven unacceptably dangerous by science long ago. Yet it wasn’t, it never has been. What’s the deal, bundle?” “Well, uh, i mean, the things is, it seems that the problem is that, when it comes down to it, you know, it’s just that, ehhhh, nobody understands…” “Stop!” I interrupted. “I know what you’re doing. It’s not really dangerous, is it? All those numbers quoted in every article, with never any references given as to where they came from- is it just some sort of cover? Could it have to do with wanting to tell business owners what to do without formally asking what they or the actual customers want? Maybe the need to tell people what’s good for them (because they’re too stupid to determine themselves)? Have snobby, uptight people suddenly taken over the legislature somehow and now are determined to stamp out all that slightly annoys them. Could there be some sort of need for a recession, which could be the outcome of the ban, as financial ramifications of smoking bans are still a big question mark because they’ve all been in place such a short time, certainly a reassuring fact considering the millions and millions of people who live in this state. None of it adds up, bundle. No science, unknown and potentially huge financial ramifications, unprecedented limitation of business owners’ rights. What’s going on here?” I stared directly into what were either the bundle's eyes or two conveniently place lint balls, and it finally responded, “Here’s the thing,” and then I woke up.

Ah-Musings Series 6: If You're Blind, You Can't Read This

2006-04-09T22:05:00.000-07:00

Is swallowing mouthwash then vomitting it back up better for your breath than doing nothing at all?

Most manequins are woman. And just to be consistent with the question theme, shouldn't the plural be "menequin?"

Is is wrong, if you're a passanger in a deaf person's car, to turn on the radio?

Maybe people would be a little less high strung if everbody didn't wake up using an alarm clock. How about a pleasant noise clock?

Daily Monologue-Style Joke of the Day

2006-04-06T12:26:00.000-07:00

It was announced today that the Mets plan to build a new stadium directly across the street from Shea Stadium. Team President Omar Minaya stated, "The entire organization is looking forward to a new home for the future and a whole new environment to watch the Mets blow late-inning leads."

This Date in History

2006-03-29T13:01:00.000-08:00

March 29th: This Date in History

1365: A group of Norsemen establish a colony in what is now Long Island, NY. They soon abandon the land after finding the local wildlife completely annoying and unbearable.

1696: The Dutch Tullip Rebellion results in 2 deaths and over 15,000 torn petals.

1784: Seymore Meldman’s 7 hour oboe concerto is performed in public for the first time. Critics were generally positive, likely due to the fact that after it’s conclusion he promised to never perform or even think about the piece ever again.

1837: The first educational-based fraternity is founded at Unington College. Paddling and binge drinking are also “founded” later that evening.

1953: The NY Times decide to refer to people using formal social titles of Mr. and Mrs., forever sealing it’s fate as the most pretentious of all newspapers.

1973: The final American troops leave Vietnam, effectively ending US involvement in the Vietnam War and showing America once and for all that it is of no use trying to influence the social and political systems of far-away lands.

1992: The Anti-Neon Clothing Accord is signed by over 200 countries, including longtime holdout Canada.

NCAA Basketball and the Future

2006-03-24T23:24:00.000-08:00

The Evolution of How to Talk About the NCAA Tournament

First there was the Final Four. Then the Sweet Sixteen exploded onto the scene. Recently, Elite Eight became a term everyone knows and uses. There’s no reason to stop there. To help this process of giving each round of the tournament a cool and catchy title, the following names are proposed for your consideration and ultimately, vote (follow official voting instructions below). Obviously I've not including any improvements to "Sweet 16" or "Final 4" as those names are basically too revered and, frankly, perfect anyway. "Elite 8" is a bit eh so I think that's certainly on the table. Remember to vote by June 31.

First Round: (Solid 64 ); (Superior 64); (non-somnambulous 64); (Core of 64)
Second Round: (Thirsting 32) (Flirting too 32) (Game 2 for Select Few)
Sweet 16
Elite 8: (Maybe Fate 8); (Exclusive 8); (Through the Gate 8) (Gettin’ Late 8)
Final 4
Championship: Tough 2 (Tenacious 2); (Breakthrough 2); (Mildew 2); (True 2); (Two-to-one)
Champion (Forever 1) (Won Now Done)

To vote you must decipher a series of puzzles hidden throughout the articles on The Wournal. The answers to the puzzles will clearly reveal an email address. Write to this email address, and to vote for your choice of those mentioned above, write the code world “sprinkles” the corresponding amount of times to the round you are voting for. For example, to vote for the Second Round, you’d write “sprinkles sprinkles.” Then to vote for your specific choice of new name within that round, write the code word “moccasin” the corresponding amount of times to indicate how far across the choice is. For example, If you want to choose “Through the Gate 8” to replace “The Elite 8,” you’d write, “sprinkles, sprinkles, sprinkles, sprinkles; moccasin, moccasin, moccasin.” Note the semicolon in there-that is crucial. This easy system should allow us to figure out which names the general population favors in the continuing process of spicing up the NCAA Tournament jargon. Thank you for your participation and you can be sure I’ll use my strong influence within the NCAA to do everything I can to institute these changes. Duke sucks.

Ah-Musings Series 5: Either Way It's A Coin Flip

2006-03-24T10:51:00.000-08:00

I feel left out with the whole cell phone ring-tone trend because I always have my phone set to vibrate. So I think they should also have custom vibrations, like the “electric chair” for fast, mild electric jolts, or the “piano-players fingers” for an actual, simulated brief finger-massage. Just some quiet and non-offensive ways to enjoy andvancing technology.

The only difference between “of course” and “off course” is that one little f. Think about that the next time you’re yaking up your cream of wasabe alphabet soup in that Baton Rouge whorehouse piss-trough.

In instances when I’m trying to decide whether a certain word or phrase makes a piece less literary, I just remember that the word “speedy” is in the Constitution.

I’m writing an official guide to unofficial guides. It’s taking forever to not get the rights.

Another odd word/suffix combination is “gist.” When it’s a word, it means a beginning understanding of something, but as a suffix it implies an expert or professional, like a biologist. I guess whoever came up with that neither had a gist nor was a -gist.

Cometry Part II

2006-03-13T10:57:00.000-08:00

II

Bumper to Bumper at 4 in the morning,
Freezing-cold coffee you thought was still warm.
The Jersey Slide done outside of Jersey,
Holding the all-time record for damage in a dorm.

The way cats drink water,
How dogs won’t leave you alone,
An 8 year-old hunting,
“Highway to the Danger Zone.”

People resembling wookies,
Mystery feces on the on the street,
Cringingly dressed middle-schoolers,
The guy clapping off-beat.

Stalactite, when the answer was stalagmite,
Rubbernecking delays that end up worth it for the carnage,
Any person clearly not listening to you,
And the regionalized passion for the covered car-bridge.

A Dream Narrative (1st in a series of 16)

2006-03-06T21:54:00.000-08:00

A Dream Narrative (of Mundane Primetime Gameshows)*

I had a dream last night where I was watching TV and 20 stunningly beautiful girls all appeared at once on the screen. “Faithful television viewer,” they all said in tandem (which was a little weird), “How would you like it if we were on a great game show and almost never, ever said even one word.” “That’d be great,” I said in my stupefied, googly-eyed dream-state. “What would the show be about?” “Well,” the hottest of the hot answered, “an idiot picks a random number, and that number corresponds to a pre-determined money number. Then there are rounds and the banker and…” “Hold on,” I interrupted her through the screen. “This is starting to get complicated and…” “You hold on,” she interrupted back. “Just watch the show and you see how absolutely far from complicated the concept is. A home-schooled inbred Sub-Saharan African who happened to be living in Chernobyl ‘when it happened’ has as equal a chance as Warren Buffet to win on the show.” “I see,” I said. “So you girls are all the co-hosts of the show?” “No, that is, uh, uh, Howie Mandell. He’s pretty funny.” “Hmmm,” I quickly replied. “Well, he’s not not funny, as these things go, so I guess he still wouldn’t make the show unwatchable. I could even see him stepping outside his role and making fun of a contestant or two, always a huge plus to me.” “Yes yes that’s all true. He’ll be pretty good, we already know. That’s not what we were afraid of, sir.” “Well, then hit me with it,” I said not really aware that there was an “afraid of” scenario going on, and hoped I could spice it up a little here, but to no avail. The hottest said, “It’s the title—we know you can be, well, a little cruel when it comes to bad titles or unfortunately named shows, so we wanted to run it by you know, just to, you know, see what you thought. There was a long pause as I stared at the TV and the picture started to go in and out a bit before it seemed that the only way I could get the screen to clear was by focusing all my energy directly on the TV set. Finally, the girl was able to just barely squeeze out, “Deal…Or no…Deal,” before the picture and sound trailed off and the TV exploded with a strong but controlled force so that it was satisfying to see yet didn’t destroy anything. I didn’t even need time to think about it, immediately stood up, pointed at where the TV had been, and yelled almost maniacally at the top of my lungs, “NO DEAL!!!” Then I heard hushed whispers saying “of course he thinks that” and “that’s too easy, but could that be the point?”, and “why can’t we just think of better…” before that one trailed off. Just to let it sink in for them a little more, I said it again, this time in my most comedic, yet authoritative voice, “No Deal!” Then I had a thought.
“Or wait, maybe…” and then I woke up.

*in dream narrative writing, I don’t like using paragraph breaks because there are no such breaks in dreams, so the atmosphere of a given dream is not truly represented in short writing if there are paragraphs. Just my thoughts.

Front Story in this week's "Not-So News"

2006-03-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

a new satire short (but the question is, is it really satirical?) (Ok yes, by definition it is))

reported by the Disassociated Press (DP)

“Woody Allen and Soon-Yi to ‘adopt’ daughter”

Last week it was revealed that the long-married couple Woody Allen and Soon-Yi are finalizing plans to welcome a new addition into their "loving" family. It appears that, in preparation for the inevitable decline of Soon-Yi's youthful good looks, Allen is setting himself up for the next stage of his life, where the presence of Soon-Yi is unlikely at best. The couple plan to look after and care for their child for about 15 years, at which time Allen will initiate a highly inappropriate and offensive to all the world relationship with his adopted daughter, and then marry her 7 months later. This seems to be Allen's third attempt at this scheme, as he has been overheard in public delis referring to the other two daughters he previously adopted with Soon-Yi as "not what I'm looking for in my specific situation" and "not-quite Asian enough."

Scientists plan to study this round of what has come to be known as the "Allen Wheel of Strange and Hurtful Relationships" in hopes that they can prevent future generations of cute young Asian girls from succumbing to these dangerously neurotic urban filmmaker-types. The Scientists have low expectations, however, as any questions that they have tried answering in previous studies have just led to further and even more difficult questions. -Ignatious W. Mifflin reporting for the DP

Ah-Musings Series 4: Bohemian Bolognious Blather

2006-03-01T20:54:00.000-08:00

The only women who say “bigger is better” are loose because they’re the only ones who need it bigger to be better.

Most people like using those hand quotation marks when they talk, to indicate slang or sarcasm. Not me…I like using full-arm parentheses (()), especially when I’m talking to children because that way I can curse and they can choose whether or not to hear it.

I guess the slang word “balling” used to be really big in the 70s. This can only be explained in one of two ways: either women were into way different stuff back then; or the disco, drugs, and other 70s disasters made everyone so stupid that they really believed the primary male activity in sexual intercourse involved balls.

You can always gauge the sense of humor of a person that you don’t know too well by waiting until they’re about to touch or pick up something, and right as they’re about to touch/pick it up, you jump at them and scream “NO DON’T TOUCH THAT!” If they react negatively, it’s 90% that you want nothing to do with them ever again.

I almost never pay attention because it should be free.

Huntin' All the Quail

2006-03-01T09:56:00.000-08:00

It doesn't appear that I'll have the chance the record soon, so here are the lyrics to " Huntin' All the Quail," which are based on the music to "Livin' On a Prayer." For optimal enjoyment factor just imagine it's JBJ's voice backed by Richie S. and the guys on a crisp friday night in East Rutherford.

“Huntin’ All the Quail”

Once this was a crime,
not so long ago...

Harry likes to shoot at the ranch,
Cheney’s coming in,
He wants to hunt quail-it’s tough, so tough.
Cheney runs the country all day,
Working for his country,
He brings home his pay
For guns—for guns.

(Chorus(pt 1))
He says we gotta hold on
When we take the shot
‘Cause the spray from the pellets could
really mess your health up.
We’ll look out for each other,
And that’s a lot
'Cause we're old, and that's all that we've got.

(Chorus(pt 2))
Whoa, we’re half-way dead
Whoa, we’re huntin' all the quail,
Go up ahead
I won’t shoot you I swear

Cheney’s got his pellet gun cocked,
He’s holdin’ on, waiting for a flurry
Of quail, of quail.
Harry sneaks ahead of Cheney,
When Harry sticks his head out Cheney fires,
Harry says, “I’m okay,
It’s just my neck, chest, and face.

(Chorus)
(Chorus pt1 alternate beginning second time through at end. )
We’ve gotta hush this up, ready or not,
Oh no the ranch owner’s giving the media all that he’s got…(Chorus)

Coming Attractions that are Calming at Rack's Tie-Ons

2006-02-12T20:43:00.000-08:00

OK I have a lot of stuff just about ready to go up but right now I have to put things on hold for about 2 weeks so bear with me, unlike that grizzly-man guy-he, uh, didn't get beared with so well, especially that one time. Yeah, that was bad. Anyway, he are some items of note to possibly get excited over, or in the least, look forward to.

1. A final and complete, non-satirical review and tribute to the final four episodes of Arrested Development, known to many as (cue music) "The February Final (Four Episode) Countdown." This is the closest to being complete and almost definately will be the next article posted, though how soon that can be is still indistinguishableableable.
2. Cartoons: thats right: I'm working on different formats for crude drawing and animation so I can do cartoon-like things. My main characters are Schizo-Flo, who has all sorts of fun and useful personalities that save the world here and there, and Couch Man, the lethargic and reluctant superhero who always doesn't want to do it but then always gets another jobs done: his catchphrase is :"Another crime?"
3. Trot's Trots: this is a long-form serial i plan to start premeiring here in installments coming soon. It roughly concerns the ramblings of one Trot S Walker, his interactions with people he knows and doesn't, some famous some not, all in various parts of the country and world. The catch is that Trot never travels by anything other than foot-he'll get on a boat but then require it to go the speed that he could walk if he could walk over the water, and for some reason people always listen to him on matters such as there. Trot's universe is a slight alteration from our own where things seem to generall fall in his favor, ultimately forcing himself to ask questions of Cartesian Skeptism and other deep philisophical questions. Then it basically becomes a philisophical adventure, which, as they always have a tendancy to do, spirals out of control.
4. Ah-Musings, Cometry, and random other assorted, deemed worthy stuff will continue to be published regularly. Please don't tell your grandparents. It can get a little blue.
5. If you've read anything at all so far, thanks a whole lot, really, and I hope you continue to stick around because this is just the beginning and the plans are starting to come together and they are exciting.
5a. How stupid does "Blog" sound. I think really stupid. So to me it's gotta be the "Wournal"-it sounds equally as stupid but at least it's more accurate for what it is: a web-journal. A blog, or web-log, should only mean like a recording of measurements or statistics, or if you're on a ship it can be a journal. But a computer is not on a ship, so technically, these web-diary-things (Webaries?..hmm?..) should all be called "wournals." They're not, I can deal with it, and at least use that name for my humor/satire site, and I think Wournal works quite well considering it's options. I'll be back soon, look for stuff.

Ah-Musings Series 3: Punctuation Optional

2006-02-09T13:07:00.000-08:00

I can remember everything I see but only in the daytime because I have a photographic memory but no flash.

I seriously considered becoming a carpenter many years ago, but then I realized that the thing about being a carpenter is that the chances are pretty good that at some point you're going to have a horrible accident resulting in an intense disfigurement. Plus why would I want to carpent anyway?

In a shitting the bed contest, if you don’t shit the bed, you shit the bed.

Life can often seem like one big blur, especially when I'm not wearing my glasses.

Sometimes I like to stand in front of the TV for a few hours while continuously changing my clothes every few minutes, just so I feel like I'm contributing something to the relationship.

Super Bowl XL (Dry Clean Only)

2006-02-06T20:44:00.001-08:00

With a title like Super Bowl XL, there had to be a ton of hype. It deserved it. This is a sport of behemoths, a spectacle of incredibly large people hitting each other ridiculously hard, for hours and hours. Football has XL written all over it and it's a nice coincidence that the title of the biggest game of this year is XL. But coming in the game had problems. Seattle and Pittsburgh are not exactly the most desirable teams to see competing for the big (XL) one, yet the match up did seem intriguing and the teams seemed relatively even in all the major categories. Also the game was in a snowy Detroit, making for fun scenes of partying and splendor through the preceding week impossible or lame when they attempted it, compared to the former sliver-dollar protruted and camel-toed glories of Miami and Tampa. Nonetheless people seemed excited for XL and hopeful that the game could live up to its titular hype.

Time for kickoff. Super Bowl XL. LET’S SEE IT!! XL! Early on the game definitely started out as Super Bowl S with only a late first quarter Seattle field goal. It reached Super Bowl M when Roethleshotdog willed the ball over than tiny few millimeters of white paint while being crushed by 300 pound whales of fury. The action again calmed after the touchdown and soon it was halftime. The halftime show was some sort of mock-ironic concert of irrelevant rock music, but it was muted anyway as most people we still trying to find ways of making the newly revealed slogan “brown and bubbly” even more amusing. The best way was to watch another commercial, or even action during the game, then say with good timing and clarity, “now THAT’S brown and bubbly.” Still not that good. Soon enough the 15 minutes of senile strutting was over and the second half was hopefully getting ready to kick Super Bowl M up a few sizes.

Right off the bat, Chilly Willy Parker busted out and probably a nut, running for a 74 yard score to get the thongs, briefs, and grannypanties alike out of their seats to shake it and celebrate the Pittsburgh 14-3 lead. Super Bowl L in full effect! A few drives later, it looked like the unthinkable was about to happen. The Stealers (sorry, still got those calls on my mind), The Steelers were on the cusp of scoring another touchdown, breaking the game wide open, and dropping the game back down to Super Bowl M. Yet a miraculously stupid pass attempt led to a Seattle interception and long run back. They scored soon after, closing the gap to a mere four points. 14-10. Into the 4th quarter. SUPERBOWL XL!! It was on, and the only question was could it hold up. Well, unfortunately not very long. Hasselback threw a terrible interception and Pittsburgh capitalized on a neat trick play where the wide receiver got a double hand-off and threw to another wide-open receiver for the score. While it was certainly entertaining, the fact that the touchdown brought the score to an eleven point difference caused the game to drop back down to Super Bowl L. After a few poor play calls and weak on-field decisions by Seattle, the game concluded.

As a whole, Super Bowl was decently satisfying, though it could have used a few more big plays to justify it’s XL status. In the end, it was still a decent game that, if such things were up to me, I would have be henceforth known in retrospect as “Super Bowl L (XL shrunken through machine laundering to L-told you dry clean only)".

Cometry Part VII: "Somewhere Far Away"

2006-02-03T21:05:00.000-08:00

Somewhere Far Away

Somewhere far away, in the foggy vast distance,
Over wind-swept hills and rugged canyons,
Beyond expansive oceans below towering cliffs,
There is a place, a place so far, somewhere far away.

An isolated, desolate situation,
Across hostile territories and past all the hustle of urban societies,
It is far removed and well-camouflaged, impossible to spot, not to mention
Further than fiction itself.

In an outlying region of an obscure kingdom,
It’s location has long been the subject of ever ongoing
and neverending discussions,
All entirely fruitless of course, as there are no fruits there anyway.

There is nothing there, actually, besides a few scraggly trees and shrubs.
It sucks.
Which is why it ok that this is a place, a place so far,
Somewhere far away.

An Open Letter to Professional Bowlers

2006-01-29T20:16:00.000-08:00

Dear Professional Bowlers:

Please stop acting like raving buffoons on television. The constant conniption fits to the crowd, the cringe-inducing roaring into the camera, and use of finishing already awkward exclamations with “yeah baby!” does nothing to further bowling’s reputation. Listen, I understand the excitement of the messenger connecting with the 10 pin to give you the four-bagger, or nailing the first 6-7-10 on a live telecast in three years. No one can deny your talent and ability to bowl so skillfully under the pressure situation of being on live TV. It must be difficult to know there are literally hundreds of people in the upper Midwest analyzing your every move and whether or not you know to make the correct ball adjustments on the left lane. But that is no reason to continually rant and yell like a person with Tourette’s at an expletives shouting contest.
I myself am a lifelong bowler and have been prone to an embarrassing outburst or two, usually causing great shame and embarrassment to myself and those nearby. The difference between me and pro bowlers is that my embarrassments only cause minimal, short-term damage which ultimately result in hilarity anyway, so there’s no harm done, while theirs is to the detriment of not only a great game but the entire bowling movement. If we are to show world that bowling is not some lame pussy game played by fat dorks and skinny uncoordinated geeks and social outcasts, that it is only mostly played by those people, and that there really are some cool and socially adept people who bowl, then it is the professionals appearing on TV every week who will need to lead the way for the next generation of bowling, where it may once again thrive as a prime cultural activity.
Pro-Bowlers, you need to stop with the scary pointing at the crowd and random self-cheers of encouragement, such as “Come on!” or “Lets Go!” for example. This type of behavior might be ok at, say, the high school tennis level, but it’s just not right for a professional who’s wearing a microphone to jump around and yell like a it’s a 3rd grade slumber party. Instead, I suggest flashing the simple “confident grin and nod” combination at the crowd or camera after a stellar shot, and maybe a quick fist pump if you’re feeling particularly locked in. That should be the theme: confidence and control, with hints of flash. If you feel the need to show some eccentricities, as you all must have some as you’re pro bowlers for F’s sake, why not show them through your clothes or humor in interviews-why not use a French accent one time. Also, most of your silly behavior occurs after a good shot, so when you get a bad shot the common behavior seems to be creepy, under-your-breath mutterings, which are also common among the mentally insane. Not a good image to be portraying. When I get angry after a bad shot I either punch a wall, causing pain to myself but joy to all watching, which I think is a fair tradeoff, or break the ball-return machine, again causing me pain through financial suffering, but also to the joy and pleasure of all witnessing my embarrassing charade. See the difference? Acting stupid after a negative result ends up in hilarity and enjoyment, while acting stupid after a positive result ends up in confusion and appearing goofy.
So I make my plea, professional bowlers--act like the confident, in-control, 243 average over 45 game match-play professionals that you are and bowling will enjoy a Renaissance the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the actual Renaissance. Thank you in advance.

Lenwood Johnson

Ah-Musings Series 2

2006-01-22T18:47:00.000-08:00

If you ever find yourself in an epic struggle to save your homeland, make sure that you have plenty of clean mugs, because later that night the survivors are really going to want a good hot cup of tea.

Humanity should get together and develop a plan so that if aliens ever land, all people will pretend to speak and understand a language of non-distinguishable beeping and clicking. This is not only to impress and confuse the aliens, but also to show the whales, monkeys, and all the other animals that communicate with those weird sounds that we know what they're up to.

When mites die, they stop biting the dust.

I used to date an obsessive-compulsive anarchist, but we had to break up because I just couldn’t handle how she needed everything to be perfectly out of order.

Tip: If you don't want to be constantly pointed at in public and falsely arrested all the time, don't be a dramatic re-enactment actor on America's Most Wanted.

Words That Almost Rhyme With "Orange"

2006-01-19T12:13:00.001-08:00

door-hinge
cringe
monge
syringe
store-binge
tinge
arrange
melange
core-singe
orang
fringe

At the moment

2006-01-17T13:57:00.001-08:00

My computer is currently being clensed of evil spirits. It should be fine in a few days and I'll be back with constant updates, but for now here's some headlines I didn't find while scouring recent newspapers from around the country.

"Ancestors of Pirates Sue Over Their Positive Portrayal by Sports Teams"
"New Bravo Show 'Queer Sex for the Straight Guy' Not as Popular"
"Tree Falls on Deaf Ears"
"Top Competitive Eater Chokes as He Chokes"
"Huge Supply of New Kleptomania-Treating Drug Mysteriously Missing"

Ah-Musings

2006-01-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

Once I was a victim of mistaken-identity theft. I lost everything, but at least it wasn’t mine.

How can anybody trust a product made up of the words “sham” and “poo?"

Performers and athletes always say that they get butterflies in their stomach before a big performance, and after literally several dozen nanoseconds of non-consecutive thought, I have the solution. About an hour before the event-in-question, eat a whole plate of butterflies so that, in your head at least, you know that the butterflies in your stomach are dead, and they certainly can’t do much harm that way. Alternatively, if you can’t keep the chewed butterflies down, vomiting them up is good too because then at least you know you got the dead butterflies out of your stomach, where again their power of causing nervousness is neutralized. Either way, the stress is completely gone, and you’re ready for the performance or game.

My friend was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia, which is strange because I always just thought of him as a people person.

One time I let my imagination run wild. It hasn’t come back yet so I’m pretty much stuck for awhile

Cometry Part I

2006-01-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

Part I

Jean shorts with pleats,
Porn starts in real life,
The elderly falling,
A dramatically angry wife.

The fat guy who smells,
Visable lingerie under clothes,
Children publicly upsetting parents,
A blatently fake nose.

People who love wrestling,
A strangely graphic street sign,
Way-overly dramatic movie scenes,
Using a plastic cup to drink box wine.

Too much eye contact,
Unnoticed food on a face,
When locals talk with thick accents,
And any unnecessary spray of mace.

Potential New Slogans for the State of New Jersey

2006-01-10T17:09:00.000-08:00

NJ: Inhaling America's Exhaust for Over 100 Years
NJ: If We are the Armpit of America, Our Nice Parts are Like Deoderant
NJ: The Original Home of the Guido*
*currently being disputed by Long Island
NJ: Sorry, We're Full
NJ: You Can Still Smoke In Atlantic City
NJ: One Big Family, But Everyone's the Black Sheep
NJ: Demoralizing Optimists Since the 17th Century

Introduction to The Wournal

2006-01-09T12:17:00.000-08:00

The Wournal (Web-Journal) is a source of satirical news reporting and general alternative humor. Events and ideas will be made fun of whenever possible. Letters will be capitalized when appropriate. It’s all made up, but it’s all too real. Not really, but check back for near-daily updates.

Welcome to The Wournal

2006-01-09T10:25:00.000-08:00

I wIlL CapiTaLIze raNDom LeTTers